Over the past 11 months that I have been living abroad, I have encountered a lot of difficulties. Lately, I have been encountering a few more, as life doesn’t seem to get any easier. I thought I would share with you what I believe to be the five most difficult things about being an expat.
1. Keeping up Old Friendships
As you grow older and more mature, sometime old friends separate and grow apart. If you want to speed up that process, I have found that moving out of the country works really well. I went to a small school with a graduating class of 82 people. We all knew each other for forever and a day. While I knew everyone, I only had a handful of people I truly considered my friends. Then, I went to college at a school without any off my high school classmates and some friends fell away at that point because we were busy doing our own things. I made a few new friends, and lost most of them during a grisly breakup. Then, I moved away and my handful of friends I had left dwindled further.
I was never a social butterfly by any means, but the people I hung out with I considered the people I would trust with my life. However, when I moved to Chile, many people just suddenly stopped talking to me. At first, it was weird. Then, it was concerning. It made me really sad, and I am still trying to cope with it a little bit. I still have little explanation as to why either. My theory is that moving leads to a sense of abandonment in the people who are left behind, and to be honest, there is little you can do about it. You can try as hard as you can to keep in contact and keep the relationship, but a good part has to come from their end. In the end, you find out who your true friends are, but there may be some hardships along the way.
2. Creating a new friend network
If losing old friends wasn’t bad enough, you have just placed yourself in a sea of the unknown. I have been lucky to have in-laws that I love and who support me, but not everyone is so lucky. Through Felipe and his family, I have met some wonderful people, but it is really hard to start from scratch. It is like the first day of Kindergarten all over again! (Not a pleasant experience for me, but I digress…)
People in other countries typically aren’t as immediately open right from the start as most Americans are. You have to really work at it to be included in anything. I have found that Chileans are very open caring people, but you have to put effort in and speak excellent Spanish for them to be truly inclusive. I have to break my antisocial bubble and really make sure I put forward a conscious effort to be part of the group. I tend to just sit back and listen in group settings, but it is not a good technique when meeting new people.
3. Finding a job
This is the one I have been battling lately. For the past two months, since I got the OK on my visa, I have been the head of my job search party. I have applied to 50+ jobs for which I qualify only to be rejected with no interview time and again. I read the emails, and it makes no sense! I was the checklist they put out in the job description! Point for point…why wouldn’t they at least bring me in for an interview?
Here in Chile and around the world, hiring foreigners is sketchy business. Most companies that are homegrown don’t trust foreigners at all. They believe that they are a flight risk and can’t be trusted to show up to a job. (Thanks a hell of a lot to whoever started that belief; you’re really helping the rest of us out!) Some employers in Chile won’t will even throw out the resume if it has a really “gringo-looking” name on it. It is difficult for them though: they can’t check references, past employers or education…for all they know, you are making it all up! So, why would they talk to you when there are other qualified Chileans. Ugh. It is a frustrating process.
4. Gossip
This has been an interesting one. Ever since I got engaged to Felipe, the gossip mill has been cranking out some interesting theories as to why I would move abroad:
“Well, she must be pregnant.”
— Ehh, wrong. I would like to keep my figure looking trim for a couple more years, thanks.
“Oh, doesn’t she know he is just marrying her for a green card?”
— So, why did I move to Chile if he just wants to get into the US? Duh.
“Wow, she must really hate her family.”
–Excuse me? A married woman moving in with her husband does it because she hates her family? If I moved across the country, it wouldn’t be a big deal. This is just a little further. My family is awesome and supportive of my decision.
“She married him just for his money”
— Say what? I paid for my own ticket down here and worked my ass off to build a savings account before I moved. Give me a break.
“Oh, she must be one of those Peace Corp hippies living in the backwoods helping endangered tribes.”
— I live in a 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom apartment in a modern city of 7 million people. Just because it is not the US, does not mean it is not developed. Please, educate yourself.
At times, it is amusing. At times, it is annoying. I don’t know if other expats have had an issue with this one, but I have found that the rumors are many and inevitable.
5. Time Differences
This might be the simplest, yet hardest thing that there is. I have grown to hate daylight savings time. Chile and the West coast of the US are currently five hours apart. However, since their daylight savings time fall two months apart backwards and forwards, it changes throughout the year to four hours, three hours, and back again. Three hours isn’t so bad, but five hours…yeesh. I have already had half of my day or more by the time that my family is getting out of bed. I have to constantly be conscious of the time there to make sure that I don’t send my sister a Whatsapp picture of a llama at 5 am (yes, the above was one of those). It also leaves a smaller window where Skype dates can happen. Between the time they get out of work/school and I go to bed is only about three hours. I can’t imagine the difficulties that people with even larger time differences must face.
These are five difficulties that I have been struggling with lately. If you are an expat, or have been in the past, have you ever had to deal with these? Have you had other difficulties? I would love to hear about them.
November 7, 2013 at 16:26
Finding friends and a job is the hardest thing of being an expat 😦
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November 7, 2013 at 16:33
I’m in that boat with you. It is a draining process. I know it is just the first year, but I sure hope it gets easier at some point.
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November 7, 2013 at 16:37
Good list. I’ve experienced all of these at some point in my expat life. I’d add a few more:
(6) Not celebrating holidays you grew up with. Every year October and November seem to be the hardest months. I think it’s because it’s hardwired into my American brain that these are holiday months and Halloween and Thanksgiving are days that everyone should recognize and celebrate. In 7+ years of living abroad, I know that’s just not true in Chile or in China, and that if I want to celebrate these holidays (and thus punctuate the final months of the year) I need to take initiative and create the celebration myself.
(7) Language misunderstandings. In the last 24 hours I’ve provided feedback in Spanish on a document in English and am overwhelmed with the feeling that I should have been more delicate about it. Being able to be delicate with language is tricky when it’s not your native language. Getting the general point across is something I can do just fine, but the finer points and unspoken things can be really hard.
Best of luck to you in the job search! Let me know if you ever want to come visit my fun co-working office for a cup of coffee.
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November 7, 2013 at 16:46
Ahh, the holidays. I was actually planning on writing about that next week. My favorite holiday ever is Thanksgiving, and it is so hard for me to be away during this time. Felipe and I are trying to figure something out, but it will happen in one way or another!
As for language, many times I feel I need to almost over explain myself in order to get my feelings portrayed accurately. It is frustrating. Not to mention the accidental pico/picada incident (trying to say I have a bug bite…I have a ****, haha oops.)
Thank you for the good luck vibes, I need them. Coffee is my best friend, if you would have me 🙂 Just let me know.
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November 7, 2013 at 17:07
Yes, I can relate! Let’s do coffee. Email me ( leslieforman at gmail ) to coordinate a good time 🙂
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November 18, 2013 at 19:00
Expat in Brazil here, and I can relate to most of this. It can also feel a bit lonely because unless you’re immersed in an expat community, it’s difficult to find people that truly understand what you’re going through.
Oh and being in the southern hemisphere for Daylight Savings is crazy! Here in Brazil, we were four hours ahead of the West Coast for awhile, and then in mid-October we sprang forward and went to five hours ahead. Two weeks later, the US fell back an hour, moving the time difference to six hours! I can’t keep up!
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November 21, 2013 at 10:31
I am slowly trying to find the expat community in Chile. I feel as though it is spread out and not organized for the most part, which is unfortunate. The people I have met are through this blog. Though, I think that at some level, it is better to have just a couple expat friends than a whole group or community. It is great to have that support from people who understand what you are going through, but I know a lot of people who go abroad and form a bubble or shelter with their expat friends. It really prevents them from experiencing the culture and expat life to the fullest.
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December 23, 2013 at 16:57
Love your blog!.
I can tell you things get better after the first year. And some things never change, but you’ll get used to it. Moved from Holland to the Caribbean 6 years ago, and almost up to move again, but this time to Chile 😉 It’s going to be hard but i’m all up for a new adventure.
Specailly your part about gossip, same issues here. Dutch girl, chilean guy.. yep, must be something about that..
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January 6, 2014 at 17:29
Thank you! I am glad you like the blog. I sure hope that the move to Chile goes well! I am sure that you will love it here 🙂 As for the gossip…ugh. I really wish that it would go away. People can be so silly…
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December 1, 2014 at 17:51
Hey!! I totally get you!! for me job and time differences are very hard. Check out our blog insidesantiago, its about expats living in chile. Maybe you would like to write something to share some tips with other expats??? we also have facebook, let me know. insidesantiago@gmail.com
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January 9, 2015 at 01:49
Nice Informative Article it is… Nice Post….. Thanks for sharing this article with us… I Like Your Post….
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